Boycott Sacramento

When I think of Sacramento, I’m glad I was drunk the whole time living there. There weren’t enough drugs or beer to officially numb me and redirect the mental pain of having to live there, to a more personal and physical pain I experienced waking up everyday with a hangover and smelling like cigarette butts.

Other than just living in Sacramento, there is nothing more draining, soul crushing and embittering than trying to get a career there. But for some reason if and when that career or opportunity comes your way, kiss that promotion on the butthole lips goodbye. Getting promoted takes an assassination, lymphoma, or most likely it just won’t happen. I refuse to believe its my raging drinking/ coke/ pill popping/ huffing/ reactionary/ anger problem. I also sag my pants.

But if you want a girlfriend that wants to get pregnant and that’s it, then this is the Mecca for you. Just go ahead and settle for unwavering mediocrity. Maybe Sac City council can paint a maternity ward black where singles can circle it and throw rocks at. But you’ll have stiff competition from about a million dudes that all dress alike. Besides I haven’t met one chick in Sacramento that takes it in the ass and loves it. I mean just hard core asshole splitting, shit and piss and blood on the walls buttfucking rape, love it (email me if you do). I’m kissing you goodbye Sacramento.

Again I was wasted the whole time on some shit. A quick drug side note, one of my friends gave me a pill that kept me high for three days then I just ended up shitting myself all over his military style cot. I never took that one again. But shitting myself isn’t the same as getting fucked up.

So I hold a fantastic grudge against Sacramento and all that’s within it, every little thing. So much so that I’ve decided to boycott it entirely. I am taking the boycott so seriously that I am working with the drug addled staff here at LanguageAbuse and our Hustler quality interns to draft a boycott letter in which we will present to the Tea Party patriots and random conservative groups to begin protesting immediately outside the municipal boundaries of Sacramento. Its not even worth protesting inside the city. On a more personal note, I have decided to never step foot in Sacramento again, so that means I am now boycotting my family.

It’s important to note that you can’t boycott a town you live in. Although that doesn’t stop the single cell republicans there. I once read in the Sacpress that a man living in Sacramento tried to boycott it. He drove to woodland to buy groceries or some bullshit like that. I think he tried to boycott Sacramento because the Sacramento City council drafted a resolution to boycott the purchase tazers from Arizona. This is the only case I’ve heard of where someone tried to boycott their own city. Only idiots of that particular breed live there. I hope I don’t have to recapitulate the grade A quality asshole that lives in Sacramento. So I moved to LA, finally, and now I can officially boycott Sacramento. The easiest way to do this is to not pay city tax on anything you buy there.

My personal vision would be to move the capitol of California to San Francisco or Los Angeles, you know a real city. I think San Francisco would be the best fit because the whole city stinks of shit and piss and is about as liberal as a city can get. And that would piss off the suits. But I’m torn, I think government leaches suffering from the brain drain and capital flight should just stay in Sacramento when it looks like the country Club Mall. I would encourage more people pissing and shitting in random places around Sacramento’s capitol and their city halls. I would organize a flash mob to piss and shit everywhere but I am fully conscious of the general apathy of everyone in Sacrmaneto.

The first reason I would move the capitol of California from Sacramento would be to totally crush that stable job industry in Sacramento being the political, marketing, lobbying, public relations jobs currently there.

The second reason is to further demoralize everyone in and around Sacramento. Real estate prices would plummet into Buffalo Bill’s well. The end of the flash fads would cease to exist (hopefully) ie whiskey, crocheting, taco trucks, second Saturday, businesses that fuse more than two industries (Bows and Arrows is a good example), businesses fusing anything really. The Hive, wow a coffee shop you have to pay to be at, that should die like a Dr. Kevorkian patient. The ultimate goal would be to see massive capital flight from Sacramento.

Hopefully artists currently living and “thriving” in Sacramento would stop making art. You’re pretty much all talentless and uninspiring.

I urge people to order things off the internet more, and savagely deny Sacramento of money like shady Jewish businessmen. This is just one man’s dream, my dream, to see the city where he grew up to be reduced to shreds like pit bulls fighting each other, and tainted with cancer cluster bombs.